The Five Stages of Grief: Bargaining
Listen while you read.
Introduction
In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying, presented the model for understanding grief and loss that has since been the standard to follow since: The 5 Stages of Grief. These five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Someone going through grief will not move through these in order, and might flow between stages, or repeat a stage several times, but they serve as a framework to understand grief as one moves through it. Dr. Kubler-Ross’ work has spanned decades, and while it has incited criticism as times have changed, and so have the perceptions of death in people, it will be the standard for how we look at grief over the next 5 weeks. Each week I’ll be covering a different stage in detail so that together we can begin to learn how each stage might affect us, and how we can build our self-care around it.
Bargaining
Moving away from primary emotions temporarily in this week’s blog post, we come across the Bargaining stage of grief. Bargaining, much like denial, is a disbelief through conjecture. Making up a situation in which the event isn’t happening or did not happen. For example (lighthearted), if a partner eats all of your ice cream, then telling them “say sike” is a form of bargaining. You’re hoping they’re lying as a sick joke, because you wanted your ice cream! Asking for the event to not happen, and being willing to give anything for it is bargaining. Bargaining is also defined as “an agreement between parties settling what each gives or receives in a transaction between them or what course of action or policy each pursues in respect to the other.”
In therapy, if you’ve ever had to make a compromise with someone while setting boundaries, you have done a form of bargaining. “I will be more willing to do this thing if you are willing to do that thing.” This is very common, and though it isn’t necessarily assertive communication, nor the best form of communication, it is an important marker in bargaining, which is what we’re talking about today.
In the Bargaining stage of grief, you do not want to accept what has occurred. There has to be some misunderstanding, right? Surely there’s something that can be done! It’s a feeling of hopelessness. It’s a feeling of overwhelming despair. It’s a feeling of listlessness and loss. There might even be times we bargain with our own pain. I will not eat meat ever again if you take away my grief. I will go on runs every day and give all of my money to charity if you help my cat out of her coma. While these examples might seem egregious, or outrageous, they are forms of bargaining.
During the bargaining stage, it doesn’t matter if we can actually do the thing we’re saying we’ll do. Unlike A Christmas Carol, we cannot promise to be a good person like Ebenezer Scrooge and have everything undone that has not yet been done. The nuances of why things do or don’t happen abound during this stage, and we are left picking up the pieces and trying to keep ourselves together while things crumble.
Bargaining is also a way to give people hope, and that’s what makes this stage helpful in our growth. We can begin to recognize changes that we need to make in our life, even if they don’t help the situation that we are in. There are always ways to grow, to change, and to become the best people that we can be. The most change happens during grief because our cycles have been broken (another topic for another time) and we are seeing our lives anew.
The self-care type for the bargaining stage of grief is social. If we spend too long ruminating by ourselves during periods of bargaining, it can lead to a very stressful self-deprecating period. Instead, try and situate yourself around others in order to explore your feelings. This can happen in several ways:
Going out to eat with a friend. Remember eating? We talked about this in denial, but you probably haven’t been feeling hungry. Eating is a social event, and being around people we trust and care about can help us parse through our grief while allowing us to also get a nice meal!
Spending time away from physical reminders of the person or event. If you are struggling with always being in places where there are bad emotions (remember that emotions can linger!) then maybe spend time at a friend’s place, or go on a trip if it’s affordable. You are allowed to escape from the situation if it’s healthy to do so.
Spend time in therapy. This is the best time to be in therapy (if you’re not already in it!). Learning how to process grief day by day and moment by moment can allow for growth, understanding, and new perspectives.
Music therapy can also help (of course!) because we can turn the bargains into music. What do they sound like? How would you hear them if they were a song? This can allow for creativity which is so important in healing.
Remember that you are not alone, and you do not always need to be alone with your thoughts. You are allowed to take breaks with friends, get help, get a smoothie, walk through a mall, go to a concert, or take a trip. You don’t have to just stay within a situation you are grieving if it’s counterproductive to your growth.