The Five Stages of Grief: Anger
Listen, Be Angry, Process, and then reach out.
Introduction
In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying, presented the model for understanding grief and loss that has since been the standard to follow since: The 5 Stages of Grief. These five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Someone going through grief will not move through these in order, and might flow between stages, or repeat a stage several times, but they serve as a framework to understand grief as one moves through it. Dr. Kubler-Ross’ work has spanned decades, and while it has incited criticism as times have changed, and so have the perceptions of death in people, it will be the standard for how we look at grief over the next 5 weeks. Each week I’ll be covering a different stage in detail so that together we can begin to learn how each stage might affect us, and how we can build our self-care around it.
Anger
As we’ve learned in the past, Anger is one of our primary emotions. According to the American Psychological Association, Anger is defined as “Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.”
As children, we’re often told (at least within the corner of America where I am from) that we have to apologize for things we’ve done wrong, and not question why those things were wrong. Recently this thought has been changing (good!). The lesson to be learned is that it was wrong, and not to do it again. When we’re young, we can also build up a lot of anger because of this. Anger toward the world. Anger toward our parents, teachers, adults, etc. It’s all so unfair, right? It’s terribly unfair that we’re being punished for something we didn’t do, or didn’t know not to do.
Anger is one of the most necessary stages in the healing process. Being willing to feel anger, and allow it to exist within and through you is one of the most powerful things you can do as you process your grief. Losing someone IS unfair. It ISN’T okay. You ARE being punished for something you didn’t do, and you’re VALID to think that way.
Anger is also one of the STRONGEST primary emotions. Other emotions can sway and change into other things based on a situation, but anger can linger. When I was working at a rehab in West Philly, I knew when I was walking onto a floor of the rehab where people had been angry within the last 30 minutes, because it’s a heaviness in the air that lingers. Happiness is light, and sadness is isolating. If you begin to understand within metaphysical human empathy how each emotion feels, anger is the most oppressive. It’s why, in my opinion, it’s so prevalent and easy to conjure.
It’s important to understand where your anger is coming from. If you’re angry at the situation happening, or at the hopelessness you feel in needing to tackle it. If you’re angry at being left alone, or at the person for leaving. These differences will make a world of difference when it comes to processing your anger.
Due to how anger exists within the body, as irritability, it will seem silly in the moment, but these mindfulness self-care tools might be helpful during the period of anger that you are going through:
Meditation - This can happen in many ways, but specifically sitting with yourself, eyes closed, breathing intentionally, and letting your thoughts flow through you without holding onto them.
Yin Yoga - This is a meditative style of yoga where we put our bodies into positions and then stay in them for multiple minutes before moving to the next pose.
Mindful music therapy - There are experientials within music therapy that revolve around using music in a guided or unguided process of moving through emotions and letting out how you feel.
Breathing! - Remember to breathe. I’ve been mentioning it, but controlling your breath and recognizing you have control over that is incredibly important and beneficial to feeling in control of other sections of your life.
Creating mindful music, art, or poetry … Or journaling! All of these things can be done openly and with the process of mindful creation in mind!
Remember, this stage is incredibly important in the catalyst of moving into other stages of grief. Allow anger to flow through you, and recognize where it’s coming from. You don’t have to act on the anger physically. There are other ways to work with it! You will be okay!