The Five Stages of Grief: Denial
This week's playlist! Listen while you read!
Introduction
In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying, presented the model for understanding grief and loss that has since been the standard to follow since: The 5 Stages of Grief. These five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Someone going through grief will not move through these in order, and might flow between stages, or repeat a stage several times, but they serve as a framework to understand grief as one moves through it. Dr. Kubler-Ross’ work has spanned decades, and while it has incited criticism as times have changed, and so have the perceptions of death in people, it will be the standard for how we look at grief over the next 5 weeks. Each week I’ll be covering a different stage in detail so that together we can begin to learn how each stage might affect us, and how we can build our self-care around it.
Denial
Denial can be defined as the shock, disbelief, or inability to process that the loss has occurred. In a fast-paced, stressful world, time can move quickly. Now that is a whole different conversation for another time, but within this forward movement of time, humans tend to fall into what I’ve been calling a “cyclical pattern”. Within this cycle there might be small, minute changes (what style hair I have, what I wear, what I eat) but there will be no huge changes (moving, job changes, etc.). Many people fall into this type of cycle somewhere between 30 and 50. It could last months, or even years. I’m a huge advocate for breaking our own cycles (another topic for later! I promise!) but if someone is comfortable in their day to day and in their cycle, then a loss can come as a sudden shock to that. A system has been built, and the change incited by the loss can create a huge shift to what that particular person perceives as normal, or safe.
The toughest thing about Denial is that in this stage it can be incredibly difficult to recognize that help is needed; That one needs to begin the process of self-care. Within denial, there is a shutting off/disconnect between mind and body. If the body is hungry, or tired, or full, the mind might not recognize these things. The mind is overwhelmed, in denial, and shuts down in many ways. This can cause a numbing effect. Things that once brought us joy can feel pointless. Life might lose its sense of meaning. One might wonder how to get through the day. I’ve been there. Everything felt gray. Even beautiful sunny days didn’t have color anymore. It was scary! It was also nothingness.
As I said before, it’s really hard to recognize that this is when the most help is needed, or that asking for help is even an option. This is due to the shutting down. Your brain is overloaded, so asking for help seems impossible. However, if one doesn’t receive help in some form during this stage, then when there’s a natural transition to one of the following stages as acceptance begins, there might be an increased amount of emotions from ‘letting the floodgates open’.
Denial might not be the first stage of grief for all people, but come later. No matter which section of healing and processing denial comes in, the self-care remains the same: Doing ANYTHING you can for yourself no matter how hard it is.
What do I mean by this? Here are some ways we can do physical self-care during grief:
During this period, it’s important to remember to eat. Setting reminders on your phone, or having someone do this for you, is huge.
Listen to music. Not music that reminds you of the person you lost. Just anything. Calm, or upbeat. You’ll know best! Music can help us process, and help quiet our racing minds.
Making music. The act of creating, even if just for yourself, allows for physical movement mixed with the feeling that you are building up something.
Allowing yourself to rest. You’ll probably sleep a lot during this period, and that’s okay, but you know what else is cool?
Showering! This will be so hard when you’re depressed because when the mind is messy and overwhelmed and “dirty” it’s hard to have the juxtaposition of being physically clean. Giving yourself the grace of a shower even once a week can help relieve stress and bring a sense of feeling back to the mind-body connection.
Taking time. Life has been moving fast and in a cycle for SO long that you’re used to things happening. You might want to jump back into work, but taking time and allowing yourself to move slower is important. Grief is as huge of a mental disorder as it is a physical one. Treat it like being sick. We slow down when we’re sick. We can slow down when we’re grieving.
Capitalism might want us to JUMP BACK INTO WORK!!! But regardless of what a fake system wants, we need to spend time healing.
Stretching. Even for 30 seconds. Just stretch as you wake up if it’s all you can do. Remind yourself that you have a body.
Spend time with others. Isolation is a huge part of grief. I know I felt completely alone in the world when I suffered my grief. We’re not alone. Spend time with others, even if it’s sitting in a park, or walking through a mall. Surround yourself with life.
Write a letter to the person you lost. Allow yourself to grieve through maintaining contact with the person you lost, or the situation that has changed. “Hello parent”, or “Hello old job”, or “Hello pet”. Adapt the situation as needed, but write those events/people/pets/places letters, and read them out loud. Give them space. They’ll always exist for you in their own way.
Remember, this is a hard stage because it feels like nothing is right. The world is off-kilter during this stage. You will be okay. There’s a long road to acceptance, but time and self-care will heal all wounds.