Pride, Fear, and Emotional Growth
It’s June again! That means two things:
It’s my birthday month!
It’s LGBTQ+ Pride Month across America!
Being queer, and being nonbinary are two factors about myself that I am very proud of, but they are not the entirety of me. I am a songwriter, a light sleeper, an enjoyer of quiet sunrises and loud sunsets, a person with ADHD, and a leopard gecko parent! As you may be able to see, it’s very difficult to try and define the self. If you are straight-identifying, I don’t look at you and say “that person is straight AND _____” and start listing off factors, so why do so many people (queer and straight alike) do this about sexuality?
To honor Pride Month, I want to take a moment to think about pride in general, and not to bury the lead but since it’s also the title of the article we’re going to think about fear and emotional growth as well.
Pride
Pride is defined as “the quality or state of being proud” – Jeez, thanks dictionary! I remember being told not to define the word with the word itself as a kid, but here we are. At least there are some examples:
Reasonable self-esteem: confidence and satisfaction in oneself: Self-Respect
Here we find the pride one has when they’ve succeeded at something they’ve worked hard for (such as a degree, or a job promotion). Think about times in your life that you’ve felt proud of something without it being conflated. There’s a feeling of warmth, acceptance from the universe and others around you, and of achievement.
2. Pleasure that comes from some relationship, association, achievement, or possession that is seen
as a source of honor, respect, etc.
This is important as it’s the opposite side of the same coin: Someone is proud of someone else for achieving, succeeding, and improving their life. As a therapist, I feel immense pride in my clients when they have successes, and I am a space for them when they have shortcomings, or need reminders on how far they have come so far. I work hard to create and curate that sense of accomplishment and pride within my clients.
3. Exaggerated self-esteem : Conceit
The real reason I’ve been defining this. Pride can be over-exaggerated, or over-confident, or come from someone else’s work but we take credit for it. This is known as the type of pride that is self-serving, and is a dangerous rope to walk when compared to the other types of pride. Some examples of this are a parent taking credit for the achievement of their child, rather than stating that they are proud of the work the child has put in; A co-worker taking credit for a fellow co-worker getting a promotion because “they learned all of that from me”; Even a queer person (we’ll say a white, cisgender identifying gay man at a pride event) taking trans people for granted for all of the hard work they’ve done to get equal rights passed in America. They take pride for granted and have pride for the work that the “white, cisgender gay man” has done for queer rights.
There are also hate groups that target minority groups such as the queer community. They take this type of pride in hurting, abusing, or creating difficulties in life or the workplace for an already underprivileged subset of persons. Why? Where does that stem from? That abuse, anger, and resentment towards a smaller group is based within fear response. Fear of the unknown, and fear of the things that we cannot change (someone’s innate self). So you know the drill. Let’s define fear.
Fear
Fear is defined as:
An unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.
Fear is one of our 6 primary emotions: Happy, Sad, Fear, Surprise, Disgust, and Anger. Therefore, fear is a very strong emotion, and an immediate reaction to something. Fear can manifest itself through being unsure, or being nervous that something we don’t understand can cause us harm. These are documented by the other two bullet points below that are other definitions of fear.
2. Anxious concern: Solicitude
3. Reason for alarm: Danger
Fear can be overcome with reason. I can reason that things that I do not understand are not meant to harm me. I can reason that my emotional response to something might be based upon a bias, or an internal decision that the world is some very specific way that it is not. The world is complex, and filled with complex people. There is no one definition to what makes a person, as everyone is unique. This can cause an internal struggle as change occurs. People naturally do not like change, as it can cause fear. If we lean into that fear, into the change, and allow ourselves to process through it, we can become stronger and more accepting.
That leads into:
Emotional Growth
Every human has the capacity to grow emotionally. How do we do this? Well as I said above there can be growth through leaning into one’s fear, and allowing that knowledge of what causes us fear to be how we process and emotionally regulate. This can be done with any primary emotion:
Example: If I cry everytime I listen to a specific type of song, but I don’t know why, I can just accept that as fact or I can begin to look into why. What makes up the song? What instruments, or vocal effects are there? What about those things makes me cry specifically? The lyrics? The delivery? The key of the song? These things can be processed with a music therapist (like me!) to help you process your own emotions, memories, and musical emotions.
Example: Michael gets angry every time he sees a pride flag because he doesn’t understand what there is to be prideful about being gay. Michael turns to hate groups that support his anger, rather than turning to resources (such as a therapist!) who can help him process that anger (the immediate, raw, primary emotion), and turn it into understanding, and eventually acceptance.
There are many more examples like these.
Conclusion
It’s uncomfortable, at first, to be vulnerable with your own thoughts. In fact, it might cause a mental breakdown, or a tantrum, or anger toward self or others. There might be immediate defense mechanisms you’ve built up for years AGAINST the type of processing that therapy (and ESPECIALLY music therapy with me!) can help with, but it’s important to be aware of that. Awareness of the anger and not a running from it. Awareness of the fear and not a falling into it.
If you can openly, honestly, admit “I am __(emotion)___ about ___(situation)___ and I want to better understand why.” then reach out, and let’s do sessions! I recommend weekly, or twice weekly, and my rates and flexible based on sliding scale for finances. Therapy SHOULD be affordable. You do not need to know how to play an instrument.
Be vulnerable now, and open now, and save yourself a lot of grief when you’re older, and don’t know how to relate to others. By opening up now, you will be able to better understand others, be more empathetic, and eventually make more connections.
References
Merriam-Webster. (2024). Fear definition & meaning. Merriam-Webster.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fear
Merriam-Webster. (2024). Pride definition & meaning. Merriam-Webster.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pride