Loneliness As Adults
Why are we taught that we’re not allowed to have friends outside of our relationship, which causes us to be lonely as adults? Let’s talk about it!
Hello music makers, my name is Love, my pronouns are they/them, and I do music therapy with a lot of clients about a lot of things, but today we’re going to talk about loneliness.
Loneliness can be defined as a feeling of unwanted isolation or lack of connection, whether you are alone or surrounded by others. Loneliness is something that we all experience at one point or another in our lives. The loss of a family member or close friend can lead us into spirals of loneliness and depression; But why is it hard to make friends at all as an adult? It all stems back into toxic religion and sexual practices, as well as capitalism.
Society teaches us that “male” sexuality is predatory and toxic and constant. That the most important thing to protect is monogamy, and that if people of different, or even the same gender share an emotional and vulnerable space together that they have to have relations with each other. That it’s cheating. Society has taught that the only true autonomy and power that “women” have is in monogamous relationships with “men”. So the idea being taught here, to clear this up simply, is that by being monogamous the women get power through social status and the men get their emotional needs met and isn’t that just so great? But it’s not. It has never worked equally. There are examples of this working that we’ll get shown as the “shining example”, but we’re not all the same people, and our emotional needs are all different. To cookie cut us all into the same mould is to take away the concept that we are all separate identities living our own individual existences only brought together by the fact that we are looking for compassion and understanding from others.
A lot of my private clients come into music therapy expecting it to just be us processing the day-by-day through music, or through listening to music, but I’d say 80% of the time we come to the heart and soul of my client’s needs and it is to be listened to, cared about, and to be able to process their emotions with someone. Their transference for me as their therapist is that I become a “friend figure” to them, taking on the archetypal role of the caretaker or friend– and in doing so we begin to process how they can make friends as an adult.
If you’re struggling with loneliness as an adult of any gender, know that it’s not entirely you (though this is me saying nothing about your personality), but also just the systems at play that prevent us from being close with one another. Have you gotten into a relationship and stopped talking to your friends? STOP THAT!! If you’re in a relationship and feel isolated, talk to your partner about the idea of opening up and finding friends separately from the relationship. If you are single and struggling with the idea of making friends, reach out to me and let’s process through therapy. I’ll be here. Stay melodic and hear you soon!
(Note from the editor): This is an opinion piece and I ask everyone do research for themselves and come up with their own conclusions.