The Five Stages of Grief: Acceptance
Introduction
In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying, presented the model for understanding grief and loss that has since been the standard to follow since: The 5 Stages of Grief. These five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Someone going through grief will not move through these in order, and might flow between stages, or repeat a stage several times, but they serve as a framework to understand grief as one moves through it. Dr. Kubler-Ross’ work has spanned decades, and while it has incited criticism as times have changed, and so have the perceptions of death in people, it will be the standard for how we look at grief over the next 5 weeks. Each week I’ll be covering a different stage in detail so that together we can begin to learn how each stage might affect us, and how we can build our self-care around it.
Acceptance
The acceptance stage of grief might seem, by name, as if there is no more grief at all. It could even, by name, seem as if we have accepted that the situation or loss has occurred and we are done grieving completely. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
To understand the acceptance stage, let’s first define the word. Acceptance “in human psychology is a person's recognition and assent to the finality of a situation without attempting to change or protest it. This plays out at both the individual and societal level as people experience change.” - So what does this mean for our grief? Well when we’ve accepted that a situation has occurred, we may still have grief about it. I can accept that X situation has happened, and that it cannot be changed, but I can still catch myself crying once and a while. These are not mutually exclusive. Let’s look at a few examples on where acceptance may not equate to feeling healthier about the situation.
For many people who peaked in high school, they may feel that the best years of their lives are behind them while being young (in their 20s and 30s), and while I will not debate this hypothetical, I will say that this type of thinking IN GENERAL comes from a place of bad self-esteem, and a place of acceptance over something we cannot change. In this scenario, they can change their way of thinking, and recognize that they may have many good years ahead of them still, but their reluctant acceptance to their own truth might cause them to look back on their past with an acceptance that it will never be as good as it used to be.
As another example, perhaps I move away from my parent’s home for the 2nd or 3rd time because the 1st time didn’t work out. In this hypothetical, I might miss my parents, or potentially even miss the simplicity of where I lived, but I’ve accepted that it was time for me to move out and craft my own life.
As a final example, if you and your partner break up, you will run through the stages of grief over the loss, but the acceptance that comes, while it might be “I love myself and am deserving of love”, might also come with a fear of being alone, or a strenuous series of relationships. You can accept your relationship with your partner is over, but the adjustment to a new life, and being ready for a new relationship might take longer.
Healing has occurred when acceptance happens, but healing isn’t done. We are always growing, and always learning. You have every opportunity to continue learning how to love yourself, love being alone, and learn to eventually love new people.
In this week’s self-care, we’re going to look at that very thing. How to continue learning as a form of self-care. Some of these may or may not apply to you, but they can be adjusted to fit your needs and goals. For a better way to learn goal setting, consider starting therapy with me!
Joining a gym / physical goals
Often when our lives go through a change, we want to change ourselves physically to better prepare for other changes that may come. Going through a breakup, losing someone, changing jobs, these can all lead to feelings of low self-esteem. Joining a gym, getting a personal trainer, or even working out from home can be positive towards a healthy mind-body connection and also for your own physical goals!
Going back to school / learning a trade
While college can be a scam depending what you go for (due to capitalism), learning certainly isn’t a scam.What is something you want to learn, and how do you learn it? During my own period of growth, I went back to school, got my master’s degree, learned some trades through online classes (music production, video game sound design, and even a yoga teaching certification), and continued expanding my knowledge through reading articles. This form of growth can be very fulfilling mentally.
Joining social groups / learning a new skill
This could be something like joining a bowling league or casual team sport, or joining a group of people who are all interested in the same thing as you! Some examples of this could be: Rhythm game lovers, contradancing, pinball groups, country line-dancing, swing dancing, a book club, a mahjong club, and more!
Remember, you are still healing, and moving through the five stages of grief has not completed your journey. Continue journaling, healing, processing with ALL of the types of self-care we’ve learned, and allow yourself to adjust on your own time to the new reality you are in. Therapy will be here to guide you on that journey when you need.